The Gospel According to the Confessors

Repent. Then Rake.

In Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, baseball isn’t just a sport — it’s a sacrament.

The Confessors were founded long ago by Father Fielder, a grumpy church umpire who got tired of people sinning in the pews and wanted to move those sins somewhere more appropriate: the basepaths.

His reasoning was simple:

“If you’re gonna steal…
make it second base.”

The team roster formed entirely from penance:

• Skip Sunday mass? ➜ You’re playing left field.

• Curse during bingo night? ➜ You’re the catcher now.

• Drank the Communion wine? ➜ Congrats, ace pitcher.

Their team chant is less “Let’s go!” and more:

“Forgive us our errors…
as we forgive those who score against us.”

Coach Fielder never visits the mound —
he visits the confessional booth just behind it.

The hitters take practice very seriously:
Before every at-bat they cross themselves, cross the plate, then try not to cross the line when they argue with the ump (who is also Father Fielder… awkward).

Their bat boys are called:
“The Choirboys of Pain.”

Their mascot is a giant foam rosary named Slug Mary who leads the 7th Inning Sermon.

And they hold the league record for most players thrown out of a game for:

• excessive kneeling before first base

• trying to baptize the opposing shortstop

• sprinkling holy water on the rosin bag

Their motto:

Repent. Then Rake.
(Because dingers are divine.)

They don’t always win.
Actually, they rarely win.
But every time they lose, they gain something far more important…

…a longer list of sins to confess next week.